If It's Not One Mage, It's The Other
by Kalyppso
Summary: Illusen Amell was willing to die to end the Blight, but fate had another plan. Morrigan's bribe was never needed, Illusen already had a fail-safe. Cautiously rated.
1. Alive

Author's Note: I think we all know that I have no association with the actual copyrights of Dragon Age, but as this is my first submission, I felt a little disclaimer was necessary. This is intended to be the first chapter of a very extended ending of the Origins game in relation to my PC Amell. I wanted to keep the chapters short to keep people from getting bored, but if you find yourself finishing just this chapter and wondering what the point of it was - I promise it was just meant as an introduction. Please review kindly; I'm delicate. ;P

*

_Though the echo of the booming light faded, the flare of the defeated enemy continued to rack Illusen Amell's body longer than was pleasant to watch. Oghren had never seen such magic and as the mage fell away from the sword that pierced the archdemon; he felt the weight of her victory. He wiped his mouth down the front of his moustache and looked to Wynne, assuming, that as another mage, she might know what it truly meant that the archdemon was dead. The dwarf could not imagine that the ravaging horde below would simply disband, no matter what the humans said. They worked in bands both bigger and smaller in the deep roads with enough organization to kill nobles; it should be no different above ground._

_Wynne faltered. She had been aware of Illusen's selfless sense of duty, but even now was unprepared for what it would mean for the Warden. The white haired maiden lowered her head in respect, knowing that grievances would be misplaced. She noticed Oghren staring and arched an eyebrow at her funny little companion, but was cut off when she moved to speak._

"_Well, it has certainly set quite the standard for squishing heads," blurted Shale, much to the disapproval of the old mage, making the golem feel rather pleased with herself. Still, she felt something she hadn't in a very long time at the loss of this particular squishy creature, a depression she doubted she would feel again for any more deaths she would witness in her endless life. A smile reassured her companions as she stepped forward to carry the body of her fallen leader. Her heavy feet marched forward, clunking against the stone floor in a most amusing way, until, they didn't anymore, and Shale stayed in place._

_Hearing the nothing associated with this, Oghren turned from his view of the battlefield and walked steadily towards the Warden. He too froze for a short second upon getting closer to the girl, before rushing forward to her limp body and shouting back to Wynne, "The Warden's alive! She's breathing!"_

_Wynne's gratitude for Illusen's sacrifice melted away in anger and fear, as despite having no knowledge why Grey Wardens died when they killed an archdemon, she still knew it was an integral part of the ritual. This may mean that the archdemon lived still, whether in the Warden, or elsewhere. She did not move._

_Although Oghren had been capable of lifting the thin, fragile looking human into his arms, Shale relieved him of the burden and took Illusen into a more balanced embrace. The quartet made their way down the tower slowly, and despite Wynne muttering pessimistic phrases for the duration of the march, the loudest noise still seemed to be, the unnatural breathing of the Warden._

_The roar of battle had been a welcome distraction for the new king. It was to Alistair's dismay that Arl Eamon called him away from the front lines where the last stragglers inside Denerim were being fought, to just outside his estate to discuss fortifications and where the most likely places were for the population to have retreated to. Despite the urgency of this conversation, it was not one Alistair could concentrate on at the moment. He stared at his feet as he thought of his fallen love and waited to hear the news officially._

_He did not have to wait long by this point, and the low rumble of Shale's approach was distinctive against the distant sounds of a dying Blight. He looked up, biting his tongue already, as he knew he would be fighting tears upon seeing her body. And there it was, the sensation of losing family he had felt after the battle of Ostagar, it ripped at his insides, but this time he was prepared and would not fall as he had now that he was in the company of those he knew. Arl Eamon said something, but he sounded a million miles away, and Alistair heard nothing but the beating of his own heart as it fought for release from his ribs. Not bothering to ask what was said, he spoke directly to Oghren, "Thank you, for bringing back her remains."_

"_That's the thing," said the dwarf in gruff confusion, "she's not dead."_


	2. Arrangements

_Alistair__ would have exploded were it possible. Was it anger at possibly being mocked, joy at the possibility, outrage at the concept, confusion of the reality, anxiousness to check on this fact, or any other of his emotions that hit him hardest? He clenched his fists and nodded at his companion in acknowledgement as he stepped around him to stand before Shale and Illusen. How must he look to the golem, the wizened old mage and the man who raised him as a father, he wondered, but Alistair couldn't help it._

_He beheld Illusen with nervous fascination. Her cheeks were flush and her lips trembled from stuttering breaths, but she was breathing. Alistair could not believe it; here lay a Grey Warden who'd killed an archdemon, alive. Her hair hung flat against her head, which he noticed was damp and he moved to wipe her brow, but even before his hand touch her skin he could feel the fever boiling. He swallowed; perhaps she was simply, not dead yet._

_The arl stepped forward, "What does this mean?"_

"_I don't know," Alistair found himself mumbling incoherently. He looked up to Wynne, "Did something … happen?"_

"_We saw nothing more than you did, Alistair. A bright light, a bang, and that was all. I have my suspicions about Illusen recovering in sound mind however and I would like to voice as soon as possible my concern that the archdemon survives in her body," replied the old woman. She felt the gasp and silent outrage in Oghren, but knew that his uncharacteristic silence was as close as an agreement she would get out of him. The arl of Redcliffe gasped as well, but his reaction was out of horror and a more impersonal concern._

"_Should we then strike her down?" he asked swiftly, placing a hand on Alistair's shoulder, which he shrugged off angrily as he backed away from the woman who should have been a corpse._

"_No, after what she's sacrificed, that's unacceptable," he sighed and attempted to sound more calm as he conceded to the possibility. "We'll place her in a small room in either the palace, Fort Drakon, or your estate, to be equipped with a healer, a guard and a magically barred door until such time she recovers and proves to be of sound mind … or we receive assurance from the Grey Wardens of Orlais, that she is healthy."_

_Arl Eamon lowered his head and closed his eyes, recognizing desperation in Alistair from his sudden use of such professional diction. He hoped this passion could be applied to more publicly relevant tasks._

"_As you wish," said the old man in a hush. As he waved over two guards from behind himself he called, "Escort the Warden to the south east guest chamber, and as this area is secured, relieve those who are taking shelter in my basement, find a healer among them and bring them to her."_

"_Yes, ser," agreed the soldiers before approaching Shale, at which point they suddenly seemed apprehensive of their task. The golem raised an eyebrow (or, what could at best be called an eyebrow) at the silly little men and spoke up._

"_I will carry it," she said plainly and turned to walk to the arl's estate. No one spoke against Shale, and Alistair was grateful of the old soul's loyalty._

_For six days the Warden slept, during which time Alistair was crowned king, men were sent to reclaim Lothering and the residents of Denerim were working diligently to have their home returned to its former glory. On the eve of the sixth day a messenger from the Orlesian Grey Wardens arrived bearing news that they would be arriving within a fortnight and that they were seeking answers as to how Illusen lived and what her condition was. Alistair answered their questions as best he could, but was dismayed that the messenger did not arrive bearing advice. He was glad to be able to discuss Illusen's situation however, as he had been very busy the past few days and so had had no time to talk to anyone about it without being selfish. This would also be only the second time he would be able to visit Illusen's room, as he was told it would be inappropriate otherwise. The messenger had a lengthy conversation with the healer, but no information arose that might answer anyone's questions. Whether she would even wake from this slumber was still anyone's guess._

_It seemed Illusen had started having nightmares and tossed violently or sobbed from time to time. She was definitely in the Fade and whether her trials were real or imagined, the regular guard had been replaced by two templars, one of whom was Cullen, someone Alistair felt could be trusted to securely watch over his mage. He was wrong._


	3. Saved

The young templar had the night watch and waited for the healer to fall asleep. His mind raced with insults and frustration as thoughts of the Grey Wardens having no idea of how to control their own, when templars knew how to at least control mages. Illusen had been spared the horrors of the Circle Tower that night, but the Fade had come for her, just as it did for all mages. They had to be blotted out. It was the only way for the world to be safe … the only way for him to be sane. He knelt beside her bed, and wished for a thousand different realities to take this one away, so that he might be watching the beautiful woman sleep under more romantic circumstances. He let out a sarcastic snicker as he noticed the pace of her breathing, and the sweat on her brow. Cullen knew that nothing would ever make this any different.

_His armor whispered high notes, gently jingling as he raised his sword above her head. He would not risk stabbing the mage; it would have to be a killing blow. He would decapitate the beauty, and save her from her mind's torment. No one had the answers to help her … no one but him._

_The blade came down and the chaos from both their minds appeared to have exploded into the room. Cullen's steel did not strike her skin, and he wondered if this was the Maker being reminiscent of how he had not been required to before. The templar was thrown across the room against the stone wall behind him, and he sat, crumpled on the floor, looking up at a very frightened looking Illusen. The healer had awoken at the sound of the bang, which had come before Cullen had hit the wall. Perhaps the mage was now taken over by evil spirits … but the noise definitely meant something._

_Illusen had surrounded herself in magic. A translucent blue ball enclosed her person in much the same way that Cullen's cage had done for him in his moment of crisis. Her usually puffy bangs were flat against her forehead, and the woman was sweating more than ever. Her blue eyes darted around the room and she rubbed her hands over each other consistently before whispering, "Not the Fade, not the Fade, not the Fade, not the Fade …"_

"_My lady …" interrupted the healer. The statement was expressed out of obedient concern, as she did not know how to address a Grey Warden, but her emotions were meant with a deafening scream._

_Illusen was lost to her madness, and when she had ran out of breath she curled over into a fetal position and wept heavily. Cullen cursed in his mind knowing he had missed his chance as two of the arl's guards came rushing in, followed by Eamon himself. The older man was begging the Maker not to have him regret obeying Alistair by allowing his mage into his home, so that she might bring further strife upon his men and his people._

"_What's happened?" asked the arl before he was truly in the room, and when he saw the state of it and the templar he knew it was at least bad enough for him to have to look at the Grey Warden. He saw her shaking, looking shrunken and broken in her white sleeping robes. The blue crystal shield she had wrapped herself with was unnerving, but not aggressive and so he held out his arms to hold his men back whist he analyzed the situation some more. He struck the man to his left with an open palm, "Call for King Alistair and the Grey Warden messenger, they'll want to know."_

_Illusen twitched upon hearing the familiar words and she muttered as she turned to face the arl, "Alistair … Grey Warden …"_

_Her deep eyes caught Eamon's, and Illusen's mind repeated the man's first question over and over again as she wondered what did happen. She started to come back to reality for a split second as she thought on this wonder, but she lost herself again as she looked over and caught sight of Cullen. Memories flooded back of her days as an apprentice admiring the full, strong physique of the gentle man. Memories of doubting his feelings for her and her own of him were worst of all, as he could have been her templar, if things had been different; and then her heart would not be broken over Alistair being king. She closed her eyes tight and held her hands over her ears as she swung her body around to sit on the edge of the bed. She whispered to herself, "Not the Fade, not the Fade, not the Fade, not the Fade … Cullen said if you just close your eyes the nightmares will be gone when you open them … the nightmares will be gone … Cullen said …"_

_Eamon couldn't help raising an eyebrow at the templar, who returned the exchange with a look of sorrow-filled confusion. He bit his bottom lip as he stood up, and did his best to sheath his sword inconspicuously. He wondered if he should call out to her._

"_This is not the Fade," announced the arl. "We are here to help you, Warden. You defeated the Blight."__ Unfortunately__ his words fell on deaf ears as Illusen simply shook her head and continued whispering her deranged mutterings, and Eamon, frustrated, kicked a chair. He didn't bother to ask the templar if he thought she would turn violent, as it was obviously anyone's guess. These did not seem like good odds, and he did not want to keep his family so close to the Warden. He could send Teagan back to Redcliffe with Connor and Isolde … but … he would rather dismiss the Grey Warden to a dungeon somewhere._

"_Let me speak with her … I know her best," Cullen requested somberly. He did not like it, but for them to stand there for four hours or more waiting on one of Illusen's companions to shake her out of it was cruel. Exasperated, Eamon nodded and waved the healer out of the room, taking his other guard with himself. As the door closed Illusen looked up at Cullen and her eyes shook within their sockets as she whispered,_

"_Still here?"_


	4. Temptation

_Cullen__ approached her cautiously, pulling up a chair by her bedside, "Yes … I'm still here."_

"_Then …" Illusen trailed weakly and her blue globe began to flicker, "not the Fade? Er - I'm … I'm not in the Fade?"_

"_You've just woken up recently," Cullen confirmed with a nod. "You were dreaming, but you're not anymore."_

"_But when did it stop?" Illusen cried, tears swelling in her eyes as her globe flashed a harsh bright blue. Cullen looked puzzled and his mouth hung agape as he faltered. "Did you try to kill me, Cullen?"_

"_What? N-n-no of course not," he stammered, shaking his head and holding up his hands as he looked down away from the girl. He was lying, and Illusen could tell, just as he always lied to withhold pleasant information from her, now he would try to hide this. She didn't mind. She didn't want to know._

"_Oh," was all she could find to reply as her globe flickered some more until it faded out of existence entirely. "Well … you could now, if you wanted. Kill me, I mean."_

_Illusen's mind was starting to formulate mildly coherent thoughts, or at least, she thought so, and she was thinking about what Eamon had said: she had defeated the Blight. She should be dead, and that she wasn't was arduous as it meant she would have to live her life alone, prodded by curious Grey Wardens, shunned by the Templars at the Circle Tower, abandoned by her king lover, and forgotten by her one-time companions. Her deeds would be remembered in greatness, but her sacrifice would leave her a burden upon the world. That she lived could only mean that she had fulfilled Morrigan's deed. She had an Old God growing inside her … and she deserved to die for it. She let her head loll against the stone wall and looked at Cullen at an angle, batting her eyes in as much of a soft and sad way as she could, not wanting to show the extent of her torment anymore; now that she knew this was real._

_A hungry look glazed Cullen's eyes for a moment. His lower jaw barely touched his upper jaw but he felt as if his teeth were grinding together. He had to stand up and turn away to the wall and scratch at the top of his head to clear his mind. Guilty, sinful thoughts of taking advantage of the mage, as he would never have the opportunity to do again (with her or another), and then killing her and presenting no witness and saving the world from her terror as a mage was … too great a task. The templar truly only sobered up however when he thought of having to decapitate the woman with whom he would share relations with. He turned back to her and shook his head. From pursed lips he replied, "No. I couldn't …"_

_Illusen smirked in such a way as it implied she had expected as much, but at the same time her eye twitched indicating that it relieved some of her nervousness. Still, she taunted, "Is it not your duty as a templar? … Has someone not told you to kill me if I became a danger to Fereldan?" Cullen fumbled for a response but Illusen's eyes flared and the room shook slightly, "I have!"_

_Cullen furrowed his brow and flexed his shoulders angrily before striking out and grabbing the mage by the jaw. He held her up against the stone wall and squeezed._

"_My duty," he said curtly, "is to ensure you do not harm anyone. I'm doing that."_

_He__ shoved her away and took a step back, sighing in exasperation. He was surprised that she had been so ready to talk with him once the others had left the room. He had suspected that she would have continued screaming, lost in her madness, perhaps shattering items within the room. He had expected chaos to rival or surpass that which he had witnessed in the circle tower during the murder of his brethren, it was even somewhat disappointing that this was not the case, as it implied there was more strength in the mage or that she was still spared the horrors they had been subject to that day._

_Illusen stared, mouth agape, at Cullen. She was taken aback by the manner of which he insulted her; with his gentle words ordering her to hold her tongue or else go away, and his tender force alluding to him having more self-restraint than he let on. The mage pouted as she looked away and squeezed the end of her bed as she thought of all she had learned about the templars and their vow of chastity. None of them seemed to be able to take it in stride in the same way that most priests did; she felt that thinking this of all priests would be presumptuous considering her experience with Jowan and Lily. In either case, it seemed an odd thing to ask of a man who would do nothing but watch over some of the most sexual beings in Thedas._

_She couldn't help smiling as her eyes fluttered up to glance Cullen's armor for a second as she thought of Gregoire. No wonder he was so gruff, having grown along side the First Enchanter, who had probably had more than a few consorts in his younger years. Worse still was that Templar in the Circle Tower who had undoubtedly allowed (if only subconsciously) that Desire Demon to take hold of him, that he might feel the warmth of family life. Despite Alistair's initial reaction to her suggesting their relations, the way he warmed up to the idea was very much how Illusen expected Cullen would have been, had she pursued him, or perhaps Cullen would still be as he was now: aggressive and withdrawn. She wondered why these vows were necessary if this was what was done to them. To have the brothers of the Chantry take the vows made sense as they lived the same lives as priests, and so lived at the same pace of contemplation; but templars were so much more socially involved and so disciplined, it was odd that the Chantry did not feel they could trust them to be mature enough to love another as well as hold true to their responsibilities._

_Slowly, Illusen took to her feet._

"_Cullen?" she called._

_His brow still furrowed, now in confusion, he replied, "Yes?"_

"_Thank you," she said with sincerity, and moved to kiss his cheek. The man let it happen, but then wrapped one of his large hands around her skull and shoved her away onto her bed._

_It was cruel, but only as cruel as Illusen's action had been. She understood and was annoyed with herself that she hadn't before taking action. Still, there was some satisfaction in seeing his face grow aglow and the disorientation in his eyes as he processed what had happened and held onto his cheek as if he'd been scalded. Though the mage felt guilt, she felt no shame._

_Cullen could have taken out the wall. He was so infuriated at being patronized. He could have cried. He was so depressed from being tortured this way. The templar turned towards the door and spoke, "I'll have someone bring you a meal. Someone you might treat with respect will be by soon."_

_Though he couldn't see her, Illusen nodded and let the man leave in peace._


	5. United

She ate in silence, despite now being in the company of a servant who brought her stew and arl Eamon. She assumed he must have just been examining her, attempting to equate whether she was going to experience another outburst. The more he stared, the more she was tempted.

_Alone with her thoughts, the mage wondered if there were possibly another reason that she lived after the events on Fort Drakon. The more she thought about it however, the more farfetched and unlikely her hopes became. She was certain of it. She was eating for two … and the child probably was not human. How could she admit this to Alistair? That he would have his own royal bastard running about that would probably look like a darkspawn? She choked on a potato in her stew._

"_Don't die now," Eamon said, almost seriously, "I don't know how I'd explain that to the Wardens."_

_Illusen__ forced a smile in his direction, as this was undoubtedly true. She cursed inwardly, the Wardens might want to study her and her unborn child and their interactions if they let the Old God live. They might wish her executed, and this would be welcome. Worse than that would be if the child was born without any oddities and was treated as the child of any mage … and taken by the Chantry. This would break her heart more than if the child was born as an abomination as she did not feel that in any way she had shown qualities that would make her an unfit mother, and though only having a short lifespan being a Grey Warden, it would be long enough for the child to come of age. After having been willing to die against the archdemon, Illusen felt she had earned the right to raise her offspring if it so happened that they were not born a horrible monster. She also guessed that none of these issues would concern her if the child was of awkward shape and bone structure, and simply ripped her to shreds during the pregnancy or birth._

_The mage shuddered and took a larger mouthful. Eamon assumed that she was still feeling unwell and was glad that Alistair should be arriving soon, as though he normally would take charge over a situation such as this, in a fashion that would ensure the benefits of the whole, his thoughts on what those actions might be were unforgiving, given the circumstances. His only solace was that the mage appeared to be in control of her actions; or at least, whatever entity had taken control of her actions appeared to be uninterested in taking an immediate destructive path, and so instead he would wait. Yet he hoped that the Grey Wardens would be able to either say that they did or did not sense the archdemon when presented to Illusen so that her physical fate could be decided soon. He did not want to have to babysit a woman who could be making her way._

_A messenger ran into the unpretentious dining hall that Illusen had been moved to after the arl approved the preparation of a small meal, despite the hour._

"_They're here," he stated in a huff and hurriedly behind him there was the Warden's messenger, identifiable by the griffon inlaid on his leather chest piece. In the distance the clattering of armor could be heard as the royal guard approached. Illusen pushed her bowl away and stood in time with Eamon._

"_Salutations, Etienne," Eamon greeted, "this is Illusen, the Grey Warden who survived the archdemon. Illusen, this is Etienne, a messenger from the Orlesian Grey Wardens, and, as I understand it, a new recruit to complete his joining upon returning with news."_

_Illusen nodded at the firm looking man. He had a strong neck and thick eyebrows to match. As Ser Jory had, Illusen was sure this man thought he was the cream of the crop for having been chosen to join the Wardens. She hoped he survived his joining in the cruelest of ways._

"_It is good to see you conscious, if it is you in there," Etienne said gruffly, to which Illusen replied only by raising an eyebrow as she wondered how he would make such a distinction. The arl sighed and nodded in accordance, but no one said any more of this, as Alistair and his fellows made his way into the room._

"_You're … you're alive," he sputtered, for the second time they'd known each other. Illusen likened his sad eyes to her own composure and freely expressed a statement she had withheld the last time he had greeted her as such,_

"_It takes more than a few darkspawn to kill me."_

"_So it would seem," Etienne interjected as he examined the mage with his chin held high. Illusen was glad to have had the opportunity to change into some proper robes before being ogled in this manner._

_Alistair gave Etienne a sideways glance Illusen rightly associated with the look he had given Riordan upon expressing interest in making Loghain a Warden. This was a dislike she'd never thought she'd see him associate with another of his brothers ever again. She was pleased._

_The arl proceeded to dismiss the servant with the remaining stew and encouraged Alistair's guards to take to the hall with Cullen and the other guard stationed just outside the door. Soon it was just he, Illusen, Alistair and Etienne sitting at the table in awkward silence._

"_Do you have any idea why you may be alive?" Etienne asked directly. "I must start on my run back to our brethren very soon. I hope to leave before dawn, and any information you have that I could provide to them for deliberations before arriving would be very helpful."_

_Alistair spoke first as he placed his hands on the table, "I wouldn't have asked it in that way but … yes. Illusen, is there anything you can think of that might explain … this? I mean, I've been mulling it over and the only difference I can associate between yourself and the other Grey Wardens to die in the act, is your being a mage – well, and a woman; but it can't be that simple, can it?"_

"_I …I wish it were," Illusen replied as she shifted uneasily in her chair. "I know what's wrong … Alistair, could I tell you first? Alone?"_

"_Absolutely not!" boomed the arl, as Illusen expected. She allowed her eyes to close gently, and hoped that this would disguise that she was holding back tears. He continued, "We do not know if this is your fellow Grey Warden, a demon from the Fade or the archdemon itself - and even if it is Illusen looking to speak with you now, she could unwittingly be the host of such a monstrosity that could release itself at any moment."_

"_I can guarantee you that the information I share with Alistair will prove that this is not the case, or else, if I am wrong, and I have become an abomination, I promise that I will at least fight long enough for Alistair to call for help, or else escape. I fought for his reign too, and I would not see his life ended by my hands," Illusen insisted, as she tried not to look too emotional._

"_We can't trust your word right now," Etienne said coldly. All three persons looked at him, as his comfort in this unfamiliar situation was disturbing._

"_He's right though … you know. We can't trust your word," Alistair confirmed, and Illusen's heart throbbed. "But we can trust mine - and I say that I can handle myself alone for five minutes. I'd done fine up until being crowned king. If anything happens, I won't be reckless." He finished his statement while giving Eamon a harsh eye, and there was an understanding between the two men. Then the redhead addressed Etienne as one might a boy coming of age, "If you are late you can blame me, they will be familiar with my name and will be sympathetic to your cause."_

_Etienne growled as he shoved himself away from the table and agreed to the terms, "Fine."_

_Arl Eamon didn't dare ask if Alistair was sure, as he was sure he was, and so instead gave him a nervous look as he drudged out of the room._


	6. Truths

When the door had closed Alistair smiled grimly and rose from his spot diagonal to Illusen to take the one next to her. He placed a heavily armored arm around her figure … and she did not move. She turned to face him ever slowly and took a deep breath before she spoke,

"_I know you didn't question Morrigan leaving like she did -"_

"_Morrigan?!" piped Alistair, but the look Illusen gave him shut him up immediately, and he knew to remain silent at least for this part of her story._

"_Yes. Morrigan." Illusen continued, "She was in my room the night before the battle, after we spoke with Riordan. I chased her away… She told me why Flemeth sent her with us. She told me it would save any of us from dying if we struck the archdemon. I turned her away … and I should have died, but I didn't._

"_She wanted to perform an ancient ritual … if not blood magic then black magic at least … and conceive a child with you that night."_

_Illusen paused, wondering if Alistair might understand, but though he looked stunned, he didn't appear to, so she continued, "She wanted me to convince you to lay with her as part of this ritual, so that we both might survive. If you had done this, the child was to bear the taint, and act as a beacon when the archdemon was slain. She claimed that at this young age the child would not die from the exchange and would simply bear the soul of the Old God… I couldn't let her do that. I couldn't live with myself knowing how you would feel about it and how it would destroy the life of a potential human being … I ran her away._

"_I didn't know then that I was pregnant … but I'm certain of it now. This is how I survived … and I don't know what it means …"_

_After sitting perfectly still for a matter of minutes, __Alistair removed his arm from Illusen's shoulders, and took to his feet. He paced around the room scratching at his forehead, resisting the urge to cry out or throw the table, for fear of attracting unwanted company. He was glad she had told him first. He took a seat on the floor and wiped his hands down his face, "I don't know what that means either …"_

_He was enraged and terrified. If only he had continued to deny her the bed laying she had asked of him… If only he had completed his templar vows before Duncan had used the right of conscription… If only she had died… It was a terrible thought that crossed his mind, but it was there in the depths of his heart's shadows. If Illusen had died, he would be spared this torture and embarrassment, and her this pain, and the Grey Wardens' this mystery._

"_You are king," Illusen mumbled. "You could order me executed and tell the Grey Wardens I was dangerous. No one would blame you."_

_Alistair groaned harshly as he took back to his feet, "Don't be ridiculous -"_

"_Alistair. I am harboring an Old God, whether that means it will be born to look as a beast, or simply act like one … I can't think of one person who'd take the risk of having something like this come into existence," Illusen said, but her voice trembled and her eyes swelled up with tears again and she was glad of not having been presented with a knife with her meal, as she would have gouged out her innards in a moment such as this. "Morrigan … She didn't elaborate on what it meant that the child would have the taint and the soul of an Old God - but we know that an archdemon is simply an Old God subject to the taint so we can assume …"_

"_We can assume the worst," Alistair admit, and Illusen was surprised to find him sitting back next to her, with a glove off and a hand on her back, "but that won't change my mind. I'm not going to have you killed for unwittingly having my child and surviving a death from an archdemon. Don't tell me you thought for one moment that I would even consider that …"_

_Illusen pursed her lips and nodded grimly. She felt wholly embarrassed and wiped at her face frantically despite the fact that Alistair seemed unperturbed by her state. In truth the man was greatly disturbed, but he wouldn't place more stress on Illusen just so he could freak out. The child … or demon … or whatever, could be killed after birth if it did show signs of being … not human; but there was no reason to hurt the mage, she was innocent, and already if this was the truth it meant that an innocent child … his innocent child had died. There was no reason to lose its mother as well._

"_What will we tell the Wardens?" asked the woman, now calm and complacent._

"_Well, we have to tell them the truth … or else they'd find out anyway right?" he tried to make light, but his reply was not as witty as it could have been. His heart was obviously heavy and Illusen reached out to touch his jaw._

"_I'm sorry …" she cooed._

_He smiled warmly and took hold of her hand, "There now," he kissed her fingers, "there's no sense crying over … spilt -"_

"_Unspilt."_

" _- unspilt …er … uh." Alistair stopped and Illusen giggled. "That's enough of that," he declared. "I'm glad I got you to smile about something stupid in this moment together."_

"_Me too … I won't see a lot of you in the years to come, will I?"_

"_Let's just … take this one step at a time," begged the man. Although in all likelihood she spoke the truth, he wouldn't want to abandon an illegitimate family the way his father had. He thought of the dwarves and their culture and the idea of being allowed a concubine to rise up a woman from a lower class to meet his own. But even if that were an option, it just seemed so offensive to everyone involved, and was inconceivable to the young man._

"_The Chantry …" Illusen whispered, and Alistair cursed. She continued, "Do you think they'd dare?"_

"_Yes. Probably." Alistair answered curtly as his mind raced, but he froze when one of Illusen's small hands clawed at his armor as she stared straight ahead, unable to face him with her plight,_

"_Don't let them take my child … if it is a child …"_

_Alistair nodded meekly and pulled the slender woman closer to him. He kissed her forehead and squeezed her gently before letting go, so that he could get the door and invite the others to hear the news. Illusen knew it was his goodbye. He was a noble man and now a nobleman, and it was not his fault he could not attend to this issue. She shared the news of her pregnancy and what she knew it meant, claiming her knowledge came from old tomes in the Circle Tower, and omitting any reference to Morrigan. Arl Eamon made it very clear to all of them, even Etienne, that no one but them and the Grey Wardens were to be told the child was Alistair's as his reputation could not be slandered so deeply with a reign so fresh. Alistair was upset by this, as he knew that his paternity was only unquestioned because everyone knew Maric had been … frivolous, but if the child was born a beast it was probably best if it had no claim on the throne._


End file.
